"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
-Demetri Martin
christmasView Quote
"I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.“
-Demetri Martin
posted in funny
Other Quotes
Discover more inspiring quotes from our collection
"I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!"
-Demetri Martin
womenView Quote
"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."
-Demetri Martin
womenView Quote
"I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!"
-Demetri Martin
trustView Quote
"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."
-Demetri Martin
trustView Quote
"If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half."
-Demetri Martin
timeView Quote
Same Category
More quotes in this category
"The last person they expected to connect with a screenplay was the comedic, blonde actress with the funny voice."
-Joey Lauren Adams
funnyView Quote
"But I think funny and talent will always win out I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that."
-Wanda Sykes
funnyView Quote
"It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world."
-Artie Lange
funnyView Quote
"I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business."
-Wanda Sykes
funnyView Quote
"When we criticize in Iran the actions of the government, the fundamentalists say that we and the Bush Administration are in the same camp. The funny thing is that human rights activists and Mr. Bush can never be situated in the same group."
-Shirin Ebadi
funnyView Quote
"So it was just funny to read a script that was just similar to what had been going on in my life."
-Piper Perabo
funnyView Quote