"I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home."
-W. C. Fields
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"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
-W. C. Fields
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"Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one."
-W. C. Fields
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"No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree."
-W. C. Fields
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"You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it."
-W. C. Fields
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"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."
-W. C. Fields
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"People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'"
-Adam Carolla
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"The fellow that has no money is poor. The fellow that has nothing but money is poorer still."
-Billy Sunday
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"Kids are meant to believe that their stepping stone to massive money is 'The X Factor.' Luck is great, but most of life is hard work. We do not celebrate people who have made success out of serious hard work."
-Iain Duncan Smith
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"Because I don't take money, I'll go anywhere and do a benefit concert with almost any orchestra."
-David Ogden Stiers
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"Nothing except the mint can make money without advertising."
-Thomas B. Macaulay
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"Thankfully, due to the United Kingdom and the commitment of the Westminster government we are able to ensure that money brought in, whether it be from the City of London or from North Sea oil, can be pooled and directed to wherever it is needed most. That is what being in the United Kingdom is all about."
-Iain Duncan Smith
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