"Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed."
-David Letterman
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"It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?“
-David Letterman
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"The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves."
-David Letterman
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"Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?"
-David Letterman
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"We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets."
-David Letterman
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"I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host."
-David Letterman
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"There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing."
-David Letterman
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Same Category
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"I have nothing against turkey. We eat turkey for Thanksgiving in my house."
-Marc Forgione
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"In our family, mom and dad are Longhorns, our first two kids are Aggies and we're hoping our last one is a Longhorn. It gives us family fun on Thanksgiving Day."
-Bob Wells
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"The act is unjustifiable that either begs for a blessing, or, having succeeded gives no thanksgiving."
-Merle Shain
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"I think I'm going to give my baby her first food on Thanksgiving, make her some organic sweet potato. I'm very excited! It's going to be a big day and my husband is in charge of the turkey - he's the chef of the family!"
-Lily Aldridge
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"Something I didn't even know was on my bucket list has been achieved. I have cooked Thanksgiving dinner with Martha Stewart. I vow to follow the gospel of her teachings and do my very best in the remarkably less glamorous kitchen of my own home... without the luxury of magically appearing prep bowls filled by a staff of sous chefs."
-Jesse Tyler Ferguson
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"Thanksgiving is nothing but a toast to genocide."
-Stephen Evans
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