Ogden Nash

"Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you."

"Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else."

"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold."

"Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?"

"Happiness is having a scratch for every itch."

"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all."