"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
-Steven Wright
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"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."
-Steven Wright
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"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
-Steven Wright
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"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
-Steven Wright
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"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
-Steven Wright
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"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
-Steven Wright
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"I was in three academic clubs, a huge book worm and the teacher's pet. I was kind of an easy target for bullies."
-Nicole Anderson
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"I always pet a dog with my left hand because if he bit me I'd still have my right hand to paint with."
-Juan Gris
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"One of my biggest pet peeves is that I just don't like it when characters do things that are funny to the writer, but you don't know why they're doing it and it doesn't make any sense."
-Glenn Howerton
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"And I strongly believe people should rescue dogs, or, at the very least, listen to Bob Barker and have your pet spayed or neutered."
-Justin Chambers
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"To this day I don't ever remember seeing a pet inside Moscow, I never saw anyone carrying a dog, or leading a dog. Err I finally saw a, a pet some years later in Kiev, so I thought that life must have been, different."
-Ralph Boston
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"I have this pet thing about how global communications are moving so fast now, throwing information at you, making everything available to you, and yet I feel it's leaving us more and more isolated."
-Mike Rutherford
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