Steven Wright

Explore inspiring quotes by Steven Wright, a remarkable figure whose words continue to inspire and motivate people around the world.

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car

6 quotes

funny

6 quotes

time

6 quotes

birthday

2 quotes

god

2 quotes

good

2 quotes

pet

2 quotes

age

1 quotes

Featured Quotes by Steven Wright

Some of the most memorable quotes from this author

"How young can you die of old age?"

— Steven Wrightage

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

— Steven Wrightbirthday

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

— Steven Wrightbirthday

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."

— Steven Wrightcar

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

— Steven Wrightcar

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."

— Steven Wrightcar

All Quotes by Steven Wright

Browse all quotes from this author

"How young can you die of old age?"

-Steven Wright

ageView Quote

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

-Steven Wright

birthdayView Quote

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

-Steven Wright

birthdayView Quote

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."

-Steven Wright

carView Quote

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

-Steven Wright

carView Quote

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."

-Steven Wright

carView Quote

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

-Steven Wright

carView Quote

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

-Steven Wright

carView Quote

"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."

-Steven Wright

carView Quote

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

-Steven Wright

funnyView Quote

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

-Steven Wright

funnyView Quote

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

-Steven Wright

funnyView Quote

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

-Steven Wright

funnyView Quote

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

-Steven Wright

funnyView Quote

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

-Steven Wright

funnyView Quote

"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."

-Steven Wright

futureView Quote

"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"

-Steven Wright

godView Quote

"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."

-Steven Wright

godView Quote

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

-Steven Wright

goodView Quote

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

-Steven Wright

goodView Quote

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

-Steven Wright

greatView Quote

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

-Steven Wright

homeView Quote

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

-Steven Wright

humorView Quote

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

-Steven Wright

legalView Quote

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"

-Steven Wright

lifeView Quote

"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'"

-Steven Wright

moneyView Quote

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

-Steven Wright

morningView Quote

"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

-Steven Wright

petView Quote

"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

-Steven Wright

petView Quote

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

-Steven Wright

poetryView Quote

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

-Steven Wright

powerView Quote

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

-Steven Wright

scienceView Quote

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

-Steven Wright

timeView Quote

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

-Steven Wright

timeView Quote

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

-Steven Wright

timeView Quote

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."

-Steven Wright

timeView Quote

"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."

-Steven Wright

timeView Quote

"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."

-Steven Wright

timeView Quote

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

-Steven Wright

workView Quote

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Steven Wright

Top Categories by Steven Wright

car

funny

time

birthday

god

good

pet

age

Featured Quotes by Steven Wright

All Quotes by Steven Wright

"How young can you die of old age?"

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."

"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"

"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"

"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'"

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."

"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."

"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

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