"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
-Steven Wright
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"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.“
-Steven Wright
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"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."
-Steven Wright
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"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
-Steven Wright
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"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
-Steven Wright
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"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
-Steven Wright
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"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
-Steven Wright
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"I sing a little bit. I got a guitar for my 16th birthday."
-Jesse Plemons
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"And I was very shy as a kid if you sang me 'Happy Birthday,' I would cry. Quite shy. So the idea of being an actor, much less a model, was just out of this world."
-Cody Horn
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"I used to go down every year for the remembrance of Elvis' birthday. Memphis State College invited me to sit in the auditorium and speak to the people for one of those Elvis days."
-Otis Blackwell
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"Brilliantly lit from stem to stern, she looked like a sagging birthday cake."
-Walter Lord
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"Lucy took care of me on the set, and made sure that none of the crew cussed around me. She also had birthday parties for me and made sure that they were well attended."
-Keith Thibodeaux
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"With a recent birthday, I've been acting now for twenty years."
-Thayer David
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