Roseanne Barr

"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?"

"As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job."

"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job."

"My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel."

"Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce."

"A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego."