"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
-Steven Wright
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"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."
-Steven Wright
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"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
-Steven Wright
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"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
-Steven Wright
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"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
-Steven Wright
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"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
-Steven Wright
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"A just and reasonable modesty does not only recommend eloquence, but sets off every great talent which a man can be possessed of."
-Joseph Addison
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"To have a great man for a friend seems pleasant to those who have never tried it those who have, fear it."
-Horace
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"Science is the great antidote to the poison of enthusiasm and superstition."
-Adam Smith
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"I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ages, then one day my friend convinced me to try on a skinny pair and I thought they were great."
-Shaun White
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"Nobody, I think, ought to read poetry, or look at pictures or statues, who cannot find a great deal more in them than the poet or artist has actually expressed. Their highest merit is suggestiveness."
-Nathaniel Hawthorne
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"I remember a great America where we made everything. There was a time when the only thing you got from Japan was a really bad cheap transistor radio that some aunt gave you for Christmas."
-Cher
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