"When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent."
-George Carlin
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"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.“
-George Carlin
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"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work."
-George Carlin
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"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
-George Carlin
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"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
-George Carlin
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"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
-George Carlin
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"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
-George Carlin
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"Windows are as essential to office prestige as Christmas is to retailing."
-Enid Nemy
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"Then, when I got in the military, I used to host - even in high school - I hosted the talent shows, and when I was in the military I would host all of our base Christmas parties and stuff."
-Gary Owens
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"At school, there was an annual school disco and I'd be standing in my bedroom wondering what to wear for hours on end. Eventually I'd arrive at a decision that was just the most ridiculous costume you could have ever devised - I think it was probably knitted Christmas jumpers on top of buttoned-up white shirts."
-Guy Berryman
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"No sane local official who has hung up an empty stocking over the municipal fireplace, is going to shoot Santa Claus just before a hard Christmas."
-Alfred E. Smith
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"In our racist, sexist society, Christmas is the 8 hours when we stop killing each other and gratutious over eating is encouraged so that the starving and other people in the world can die!"
-Lloyd Kaufman
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"I wouldn't recommend young kids see 'Speedway Junkie.' It's definitely an age-appropriate movie - dark and realistic and edgy. If young kids want to see me, go see the Christmas movie."
-Jonathan Taylor Thomas
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