George Carlin

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."