"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.“
-Phyllis Diller
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"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."
-Phyllis Diller
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"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Imagine if you had baseball cards that showed all the performance stats for your people: batting averages, home runs, errors, ERAs, win/loss records. You could see what they did well and poorly and call on the right people to play the right positions in a very transparent way."
-Ray Dalio
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"I think it's easiest to teach by example. My dad didn't tell us to work hard we just saw how hard he worked. I know I have shortcomings - like a short fuse - but I've learned you can't come home from a long day of work and snap at the kids."
-Chris O'Donnell
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"My father was always depressed. When he was home and sober, he was mostly in his room."
-Sherman Alexie
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"To the former child migrants, who came to Australia from a home far away, led to believe this land would be a new beginning, when only to find it was not a beginning, but an end, an end of innocence - we apologise and we are sorry. To the mothers who lost the maternal right to love and care for their child - we apologise, and we are sorry."
-Malcolm Turnbull
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"At home I've got a very puerile, juvenile sense of humour."
-Thom Yorke
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"We talk a lot in our home together about where we're going, what I'm doing."
-Melinda Gates
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