"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
-Phyllis Diller
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"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.“
-Phyllis Diller
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"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."
-Phyllis Diller
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"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
-Phyllis Diller
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"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Windows are as essential to office prestige as Christmas is to retailing."
-Enid Nemy
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"Then, when I got in the military, I used to host - even in high school - I hosted the talent shows, and when I was in the military I would host all of our base Christmas parties and stuff."
-Gary Owens
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"At school, there was an annual school disco and I'd be standing in my bedroom wondering what to wear for hours on end. Eventually I'd arrive at a decision that was just the most ridiculous costume you could have ever devised - I think it was probably knitted Christmas jumpers on top of buttoned-up white shirts."
-Guy Berryman
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"No sane local official who has hung up an empty stocking over the municipal fireplace, is going to shoot Santa Claus just before a hard Christmas."
-Alfred E. Smith
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"In our racist, sexist society, Christmas is the 8 hours when we stop killing each other and gratutious over eating is encouraged so that the starving and other people in the world can die!"
-Lloyd Kaufman
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"I wouldn't recommend young kids see 'Speedway Junkie.' It's definitely an age-appropriate movie - dark and realistic and edgy. If young kids want to see me, go see the Christmas movie."
-Jonathan Taylor Thomas
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