"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
-Phyllis Diller
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"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.“
-Phyllis Diller
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"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."
-Phyllis Diller
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"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
-Phyllis Diller
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Same Category
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"To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time."
-James A. Baldwin
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"No country can act wisely simultaneously in every part of the globe at every moment of time."
-Henry A. Kissinger
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"It's time to get real, folks. Hope and change ain't working. Hope and change is not a solution. Hope and change is not a job."
-Herman Cain
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"It's plain hokum. If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em. It's an old political trick. But this time it won't work."
-Harry S. Truman
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"Nixon is one of the few in the history of this country to run for high office talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and lying out of both sides."
-Harry S. Truman
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"A lot of people would be embarrassed to admit that they were on 'Barney', but I embrace the fact. I just had such a wonderful time doing that show. I learned what a camera and prop is, and all that. I learned my manners too, so I guess that's a good thing!"
-Selena Gomez
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