"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
-Phyllis Diller
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"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.“
-Phyllis Diller
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"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."
-Phyllis Diller
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"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
-Phyllis Diller
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"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron."
-Phyllis Diller
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Same Category
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"I have nothing against turkey. We eat turkey for Thanksgiving in my house."
-Marc Forgione
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"In our family, mom and dad are Longhorns, our first two kids are Aggies and we're hoping our last one is a Longhorn. It gives us family fun on Thanksgiving Day."
-Bob Wells
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"The act is unjustifiable that either begs for a blessing, or, having succeeded gives no thanksgiving."
-Merle Shain
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"I think I'm going to give my baby her first food on Thanksgiving, make her some organic sweet potato. I'm very excited! It's going to be a big day and my husband is in charge of the turkey - he's the chef of the family!"
-Lily Aldridge
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"Something I didn't even know was on my bucket list has been achieved. I have cooked Thanksgiving dinner with Martha Stewart. I vow to follow the gospel of her teachings and do my very best in the remarkably less glamorous kitchen of my own home... without the luxury of magically appearing prep bowls filled by a staff of sous chefs."
-Jesse Tyler Ferguson
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"Thanksgiving is nothing but a toast to genocide."
-Stephen Evans
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