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Mitch Hedberg

Explore inspiring quotes by Mitch Hedberg, a remarkable figure whose words continue to inspire and motivate people around the world.

29

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17

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2

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funny

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Top Categories by Mitch Hedberg

Discover the themes and topics this author explores most

funny

7 quotes

good

4 quotes

time

3 quotes

work

2 quotes

amazing

1 quotes

birthday

1 quotes

business

1 quotes

cool

1 quotes

Featured Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Some of the most memorable quotes from this author

"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"

— Mitch Hedbergamazing

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

— Mitch Hedbergbirthday

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

— Mitch Hedbergbusiness

"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

— Mitch Hedbergcar

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

— Mitch Hedbergcool

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

— Mitch Hedbergdating

All Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Browse all quotes from this author

"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"

-Mitch Hedberg

amazingView Quote

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

-Mitch Hedberg

birthdayView Quote

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

-Mitch Hedberg

businessView Quote

"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

-Mitch Hedberg

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

-Mitch Hedberg

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

-Mitch Hedberg

datingView Quote

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

-Mitch Hedberg

dreamsView Quote

"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."

-Mitch Hedberg

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

-Mitch Hedberg

funnyView Quote

"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."

-Mitch Hedberg

funnyView Quote

"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."

-Mitch Hedberg

funnyView Quote

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

-Mitch Hedberg

funnyView Quote

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty."

-Mitch Hedberg

funnyView Quote

"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"

-Mitch Hedberg

funnyView Quote

"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."

-Mitch Hedberg

funnyView Quote

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

-Mitch Hedberg

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

-Mitch Hedberg

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

-Mitch Hedberg

"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

-Mitch Hedberg

"Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."

-Mitch Hedberg

greatView Quote

"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

-Mitch Hedberg

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

-Mitch Hedberg

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

-Mitch Hedberg

morningView Quote

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

-Mitch Hedberg

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

-Mitch Hedberg

"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

-Mitch Hedberg

"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

-Mitch Hedberg

womenView Quote

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

-Mitch Hedberg

"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."

-Mitch Hedberg

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