Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield - AI Generated Quotes

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

-Rodney Dangerfield

age

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

-Rodney Dangerfield

best

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

-Rodney Dangerfield

birthday

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

-Rodney Dangerfield

car

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

-Rodney Dangerfield

family

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

-Rodney Dangerfield

family

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

-Rodney Dangerfield

food

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

-Rodney Dangerfield

funny

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

-Rodney Dangerfield

funny

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

-Rodney Dangerfield

funny

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

-Rodney Dangerfield

god

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

-Rodney Dangerfield

good

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

-Rodney Dangerfield

home

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

-Rodney Dangerfield

home

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

-Rodney Dangerfield

hope

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

-Rodney Dangerfield

jealousy

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

-Rodney Dangerfield

life

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

-Rodney Dangerfield

marriage

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

-Rodney Dangerfield

marriage

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

-Rodney Dangerfield

marriage

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

-Rodney Dangerfield

medical

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

-Rodney Dangerfield

men

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

-Rodney Dangerfield

morning

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

-Rodney Dangerfield

morning

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

-Rodney Dangerfield

pet

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

-Rodney Dangerfield

pet

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

-Rodney Dangerfield

pet

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

-Rodney Dangerfield

respect

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

-Rodney Dangerfield

respect

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

-Rodney Dangerfield

sports

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

-Rodney Dangerfield

time

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

-Rodney Dangerfield

time

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.

-Rodney Dangerfield

time

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

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